Breaking up is hard to do...

Wow, this was a rough week. I had a hard time showing emotion or expressing it verbally throughout the tough task of sending our friends off and away to another land. It's bitter sweet in that you want the best for the McDaniels, realize that God has annointed their journey, maybe even think it's a cool time to just pack up and jam outa' here yourself! Yet... it's painful, because we've travelled so far together. We've watched our children sprout, our own selves age and mature (hopefully with grace), and all the exterior changes from the clothes we wore, to hair styles and hair colors changes; a road map of the different cars we've driven along similar and sometimes different paths, and finally to the place where we hang our hats at the end of the day. If I were to compare family pictures from 1993, when we first met the McDaniels, with today, the changes would be vast and obvious.

WE DID IT...IT HAPPENED... we changed on the inside too. But I can't take a picture of my insides... wouldn't really know how to go about it. If I could, and compared it to my insides today, then I'm sure I'd say, "YES! I DID IT. I CHANGED AND GREW." So why, WHY, during this HUGE airport-goodbye-scene was I not an emotional blubbering mess? In fact, I noticed that none of the other guys were sobbing while the women and children cried uncontrollably at times. Sure there were moist eyes but are men really that different when it comes to this type of situation? I'M REALLY JUST WORKIN' THROUGH THIS... Yes, I was sad in a BIG way, yet strangely envious in another. Am I just bottling it up inside and one day soon it'll creep in and "WHAM" hit me? Maybe, I secretly carry in my heart a desire to just "GO" for God in such a HUGE way that there can be no turning back? Perhaps the very chains that keep me anchored to my insecurities are self imposed chains and I really have the key unlock them? Can God unlock 'em? (OF course)... Perhaps I've romanticized the IDEA of puttin' it all on line without taking into account the personal PRICE of a decision; that which is true and inescapable... hmmmm...

Does God want me here, right now, in this time and place? Is this town really my mission field? So many questions to ponder?

So why do I feel numb? Look, I know everyone processes these things differently but I'm beginning to get a little impatient...

We were driving home from the airport yesterday, heading to "Krispy Kreme" to console ourselves in several dozen HOT donuts. Jacqui and the car full of female children were basically dehydrated due to excessive tear-duct leakage. I think I asked Jacqui if she was alright. She answered, "yeah"... then added, "are you, uh, made of stone or something?" Probably because I'd shown a limited amount of emotion to this point. I replied, "Hey, that was harsh." She said, "sorry, I was trying to joke with you about it, but it came out wrong..." I replied, "It's okay. I'm wonderin' too... am I just numb?... I think it hasn't hit me yet." And that was it. It hadn't hit me yet.

So now, I know what I have to do. I have to keep asking questions and keep crying out to God for answers. I have to keep working it through my heart and mind that THEY are gone and that this incredible period in my life has now ended and changed. Then, I'll think of some great times that I had with my friends and look at pictures in albums and remember. I'll examine the many roads that we traversed together, sometimes stumbling, limping along, one holding up the other, then bursting out, running at full speed with abandon towards the goal.

And I'll feel, know, experience... for today, then start over again, when my eyes open, to face another morning... and more questions, for now... more praises to the One who blessed me with knowing the McDaniels.